SPRING TRAINING PREVIEW : Spring Fever Begins to Warm, and the Saps Are Rising

This day in baseball, 1993:

First day of spring training--Arbitrator awards each unsigned player $3 million and says, “I don’t care who gets what anymore! I don’t care! I don’t care!” and is chased across Florida by nice men with butterfly nets.

Second day--Bill Murray pops up wearing same clothes as day before, cannot understand why.

Third day--NBC caught removing rockets from underneath Jose Canseco’s car.

Fourth day--Innovative Tom Lasorda introduces no-calorie chocolate tobacco. New ad campaign: “Want to weigh less? Spit it out!”

Fifth day--TV and newspaper reporters agree that next athlete who says goal is to “stay focused” should be paddled on buttocks with pine tar-gooey Louisville Slugger until he promises never to say it again.

Sixth day--Toronto Blue Jays deny allegations they used too many overage players from Philippines.

Seventh day--George Steinbrenner fires Lou Campanelli, gives no explanation.

Eighth day--Managers of Marlins, Rockies shriek: “Can’t anybody here play this game?”

Ninth day--San Diego Padres continue to slash payroll, feel eight players are enough.

Tenth day--Kirk Gibson big surprise filling in for vacationing Regis Philbin. Show now: “Kirk and Kathie Lee.”

Eleventh day--Arbitrator in strait-jacket seen screaming: “But I’ve never even heard of him!”

Twelfth day--Chili Davis traded for Bert Blyleven at noon. Blyleven traded back for Davis at midnight. Angels and Twins apparently simply bored, nothing else to do on weekday.

Thirteenth day--TBS and Ted Turner proudly unveil ’93 Atlanta ad campaign: “If the Buffalo Bills Can Do It, So Can We!”

Fourteenth day--Colorado changes team name to Bullwinkles; no explanation.

Fifteenth day--Angels acquire actress Andie McDowell, mistaking her for White Sox pitcher.

Sixteenth day--Dodgers sign Dennis, announce unorthodox All-Martinez rotation.

Seventeenth day--Nolan Ryan has fallen and he can’t get up!

Eighteenth day--White House cat, Socks, asks Bill and Hillary to change his name, embarrassed by loser image.

Nineteenth day--Marge Schott tells Oprah it’s a skin condition.

Twentieth day--Former Boston relief pitcher Sam Malone, mailman, house painter, psychiatrist, bar manager, waitress and bartender all elected to comedy Hall of Fame on first ballot.

Twenty-first day--Pirates acquire Francisco Cabrera from Braves, say they will save him for “just the right moment.”

Twenty-second day--Dodgers issue statement: “OK! OK! So we won’t boil the damned hot dogs! Satisfied?”

Twenty-third day--St. Petersburg police baffled by mysterious disappearances of Barry Bonds, Will Clark, Matt Williams, Dusty Baker . . .

Twenty-fourth day--No winner in million-dollar “Name Five Philadelphia Phillies” contest.

Twenty-fifth day--Indians send Charlie Sheen to minors, recall Kevin Costner.

Twenty-sixth day--Really stupid rookie wonders why Baltimore Orioles play home games in Camden, N.J.

Twenty-seventh day--Dodgers have error-free inning.

Twenty-eighth day--Vince Coleman of Mets blames poor performance on infield dirt, rain, shoes, umpire bias, cramps, Charlie horse, Charlie Leibrandt, Achilles’ heel, Apollo Creed, ozone layer, strike-zone layer, oversleeping, firing of Lou Campanelli, bad can of tuna, UFO sighting, Letterman moving to 11:30, the media, the Mafia, the Mafia media, sunflower seed caught in teeth, Joey Buttafuoco, baubles, bangles, beads and terrifying experience with tarp during rain delay.

Twenty-ninth day--Lenny Dykstra bets Pete Rose he can go an entire day without betting.

Last day--St. Bernard barks at Cincinnati game, is ordered to undergo sensitivity training.