I’d Like to Thank My Lawyer

And the settlement is . . . $1,500.

That’s the size of the check North Hollywood candy maker Frank Sheftel just wrote to settle the federal lawsuit filed against him in March by the Academy of Motion Picture Arts and Sciences after Sheftel made Oscar-shaped chocolates for a party hosted by Columbia and TriStar pictures.

The dispute started after Sheftel’s Candy Factory delivered 300 of the 10-inch-tall chocolate statuettes to the home of Mark Canton, who heads Columbia and TriStar, for an Academy Awards party. The academy found out and sued, saying it wanted to protect Oscar’s image. Sheftel formed a Candy Factory Defense Fund.

In addition to paying $1,500, Sheftel turned over 51 molds, but he declined to part with his two remaining chocolate Oscars. He and his lawyer ate those, but not before Sheftel shaped one to look like a man holding his arms up in surrender.

According to a signed settlement agreement, “Sheftel agrees that he will not advertise, manufacture, sell or offer to any entity any naked male victory figurine holding its hands or any object in front of its chest or abdomen.”

Charge It to the Company

Don’t leave home without a generous relocation package.

That seems to be the lesson to draw from American Express Chief Executive Harvey Golub’s experience.

In his latest Crystal Report newsletter, executive pay expert Graef S. Crystal chastises American Express for taking a huge bath on an unfinished mansion that it inherited from Golub. Crystal says he found the details buried in American Express’ latest proxy.

According to Crystal, Golub in 1991 was building a 15,000-square-foot, $6.9-million mansion in suburban Minneapolis, where he ran American Express’ IDS unit.

Golub then transferred to New York, where he later assumed the top job in 1993 from James Robinson. American Express hired a relocation service to oversee the completion and sale of the home, which even has a car wash.

The home sold in 1993, with American Express taking a $5.2-million loss. In an interview, Crystal calculates the total loss at $6.6 million with carrying costs added.

A Line Direct to the Boss

Now you can scream at the owner if you don’t appreciate being put on hold.

Callers to United Airlines’ reservations number are getting a new recoding in the wake of the recent restructuring of the company in an employee buyout.

The new version: “Please stay on the line. One of the new owners will be with you shortly.”

Briefly . . .

Looking for housing?: A three-bedroom Art Deco house on Barbra Streisand’s former Malibu estate is being offered for lease at $13,500 a month. . . . Contrarian view of the MTA bus strike: The Adlink cable advertising firm is running magazine ads that read, “L.A. Would Be Great With a Lot More Traffic.” . . . Obviously, they didn’t: The owners of one Southland video store were arrested last week for allegedly making unauthorized copies of “The Getaway.”