Dave White Just Loves to Coach

All rise. Court is now in session. The honorable Rufus T. Firefly presiding.

Say the secret word and collect $100. George, who’s our first defendant?

He hails from Edison High. He’s a highly respected football coach at his alma mater. Ladies and gentlemen, Dave White.

Mr. White, this is not a trial, merely a hearing to determine your sanity. Just relax and answer the questions. Counselor. . . .

Mr. White, How long have you been Edison’s head football coach?

Nine years.

Are you a good one?

We’ve been to the playoffs almost every year.

Very commendable. Do you also coach the girls’ distance runners in the spring?

Yes.

I see. Certainly, a schedule like that requires a grace period, a stretch of time around people your own age? People who can vote? You must get some well-deserved relaxation during the winter, correct?

Well. . . .

Mr. White, answer the question.

Gosh, actually, I coach the girls’ basketball team in the winter.

Excuse me. Mr. White, you coach girls’ basketball? As an assistant, right? Just a few hours each day to collect another stipend?

No, I’m the head coach.

The head coach? Doesn’t that stretch you a little thin? Aren’t you, in fact, a ticking bomb?

Uh . . . uh . . . uh.

No more questions. Your witness, counselor.

Mr. White, is the job new to you?

No, I coached the girls’ team from 1983 to 1987.

Were you successful?

We went 31-2 and won the Southern Section championship my last season.

I see. So why did you give it up?

Well, I became the head football coach that year and I had a 1-month-old son. I just didn’t think I had the time to do both.

A very wise decision. And your honor, if I may say, a very sane decision. Surely, someone with such common sense wouldn’t overtax himself?

Well, a few of my friends have suggested I should seek some help.

Uh, Mr. White, no need to volunteer everything. Now, back to the question at hand. Why did you return as coach?

When the job came open, I thought, “Ah that would be great, but there’s no way.” But I called a few of my ex-players and they told me I better take it.

Ah, so you were threatened?

No, they promised to help me. I couldn’t do this without them.

And the players? Aren’t they intimidated with a Neanderthal for a coach? Isn’t it true that all football coaches sneer at girls’ sports?

I can’t speak for others, but I enjoy coaching girls’ sports. They are competitive and they work hard. Actually, it was the girls who persuaded me to take the basketball job. They had a desire to listen and do what it takes to be successful.

And, are they?

We’re 11-2.

Ranked?

No. 9 in Orange County.

And, your family, have they suffered?

My two boys play soccer and I made 18 of the 20 games. They are in a basketball league on Sundays, so that worked out. I took them on vacation this summer. If coaching got in the way, I’d quit.

And yourself, do you ever relax or are you, as my learned colleague said, a ticking bomb?

I went to Jamaica in August.

Coach any high school kids down there?

No, I stretched out on the beach.

I see. Rather a rational thing to do, wouldn’t you say, your honor?

Mr. White, one question before I pass judgment. Why do you feel it necessary to coach three sports?

I love sports. I love working with kids. I love what I’m doing.

Congratulations, Mr. White, you just said the secret word. Three times. See the cashier.