LAUGH LINES : Punchlines

Fondling Father . . . The Senate Ethics Committee votes 6-0 to expel Sen. Bob Packwood:

* “I find that unbelievable. Where do you even find six senators qualified to be on an ethics committee?” (Jay Leno)

* “They decided he’s the senator most qualified to kiss his job goodby.” (Bob Mills)

* “Packwood was surprised at the severity of the decision. He figured he’d just get a good tongue-lashing.” (Alex Kaseberg)

* “He refuses to give up his seat. That’s not surprising, considering he can’t seem to let go of anyone else’s either.” (Alex Pearlstein)

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Go see Cal: “As a longtime government employee, President Clinton struggled to understand Ripken’s record of 2,131 consecutive baseball games: Don’t you get even one sick day per month? “ (Jerry Perisho)

* “Poor Bill Clinton: He spent the whole night being mistaken for Boog Powell.” (Cutler Daily Scoop)

* “Playing every single day really says something about this superstar athlete. It says Ripken must not have a very good agent.” (Alan Ray)

* “In a related story, San Francisco Giants outfielder (Neon) Deion Sanders’ personal consecutive-game streak ended at nine when his pedicure appointment ran over schedule.” (Kaseberg)

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Cirque du O.J.: “Mark Fuhrman took the 5th so many times Wednesday that he’s checking himself into the Betty Ford Clinic.” (Paul Ecker)

* “At a news conference before a cheering crowd, Johnnie Cochran was asked about his future strategy. He revealed that he, too, is waiting for Colin Powell to decide.” (Brad Halpern)

* “Laura Hart McKinny was forced to refer to herself on the witness stand as an ‘aspiring’ screenwriter. Hollywood people just hate it when they have to list their credits under oath.” (Argus Hamilton)

* “It’s unfortunate that LAPD Chief Willie L. Williams said he will ‘biopsy’ Fuhrman’s career. It gives tumors a bad name.” (Perisho)

* “Defense attorneys are still saying that the prosecution is guilty of a ‘conspiracy of silence.’ Then they announced that O.J. will not be taking the stand.” (Leno)

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Also in the news . . . Hamilton, on former President Jimmy Carter saying NATO bombing should stop: “He said the Bosnian Serbs mean well. Bless their little hearts. Last time they shelled a hospital, they were aiming at an orphanage.”

Dave Margolis, on President Clinton, visiting a California junior high school: “He used the occasion to say that Republicans have lost sight of the true purpose of education--as a military deferment.”

Cutler, on Hugh Grant’s hooker, Divine Brown, showing no emotion during her sentencing: “She said, ‘Emotion costs you extra, honey.’ ”

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As reader Marian Bowater was leaving to buy a Lotto ticket, her husband had a suggestion:

“You should go earlier in the week, before all the good numbers are picked over.”