LAUGH LINES : Punchlines

In the news: Comedy writer Alex Pearlstein, on Irish poet Seamus Heaney winning the Nobel Prize in literature: “He won out over another famous poet with the luck of the Irish: Johnnie Cochran.”

Comedy writer Brad Halpern, on the State Bar looking at attorney conduct in the O.J. Simpson trial: “So far, the bar only has praise for the quality of the hammerheads, threshers and great whites.”

Comedy writer Tony Peyser, on the President relaxing some restrictions regarding contact with Cuba: “Asked to characterize his position on the island nation, Clinton said, ‘Close, but no cigars.’ ”

Comic Jenny Church, on the “business incubator,” a San Fernando Valley plan to nurture new firms: “Good idea. Small-business owners put up their nest eggs so bureaucrats can sit on them.”

Cutler Daily Scoop, on Marla Maples’ former publicist’s arrest for faxing nude photos of her: “How sad. Every pervert knows that putting it online is the way to go these days.”

Comedy writer Alan Ray, on the FDA approving a male testosterone patch: “Doctors say it could leave a man drowsy and lethargic around the house. In other words, no side effects.”

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Sports shorts: Stephen Due, on Dodger fever: “Catch it . . . then drop it . . . then kick it . . . then pick it up and throw it in the dugout.”

Ray, on the baseball playoffs: “The game has changed over the years. Used to be, a guy would play his heart out. Now, he just plays out his option.”

Church, on the World Chess Championship: “If this unathletic and boring game moved any slower, officials would declare it golf .”

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The Papal Visit: “Pope John Paul II urged Americans to extend immigrants a hand. Due to budget limits, Republicans just offer one finger.” (Stan Kaplan)

* “The Pope spoke to the media at the airport. He said he could forgive many sins, but $7 for an airport hot dog is unforgivable.” (Jay Leno)

* “The Giants Stadium Mass featured more bishops than the World Chess Championship.” (Bob Mills)

* “The trip included a visit with the weak and downtrodden: Nice to see you again, Mr. President. “ (Ray)

* “Clinton had a reason to meet the Pope. He asked his holiness if he could perform an exorcism on Bob Dole.” (Leno)

* “L.A. District Atty. Gil Garcetti asked the Pope to pray for his political future, but the pontiff said there were some things even he couldn’t heal.” (Paul Ecker)

* “The Pope delivered an address to the United Nations. He always likes to get those major speeches rolling with a nice ‘Two rabbis walk into a bar’ joke.” (Cutler)

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While Shadow Hills reader Susan Gentry and her family were walking to a parent-teacher meeting at school, 4-year-old James noticed a 3/4 moon.

“Look, Daddy,” he said, “the moon is almost fixed.”