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CAPSULES AND RANKINGS

Team: 1. Denver (10-1)

Opponent: at Minnesota

Comment: Good thing Shanahan wasn’t good enough to coach Raiders.

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Team: 2. Dallas (7-4)

Opponent: at N.Y. Giants

Comment: Switzer makes Johnson, Holmgren, Seifert look like 3 Stooges.

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Team: 3. Buffalo (8-3)

Opponent: N.Y. Jets

Comment: Happy Levy seen humming Snoop Doggy Dogg’s “Doggfather.”

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Team: 4. San Francisco (8-3)

Opponent: at Washington

Comment: Young no longer dazed, says 49ers can stop Riggins.

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Team: 5. Pittsburgh (8-3)

Opponent: at Miami

Comment: Steelers 2-3 on road. AFC title game will be in Denver.

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Team: 6. Kansas City (8-3)

Opponent: San Diego

Comment: Now I lay me down to sleep, wake me when Bono’s gone.

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Team: 7. Green Bay (8-3)

Opponent: at St. Louis

Comment: A little “whine” with that cheese for Reggie White.

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Team: 8. Washington (8-3)

Opponent: San Francisco

Comment: Next games vs. 49ers, Cowboys. Do you believe in miracles?

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Team: 9. Philadelphia (7-4)

Opponent: at Arizona

Comment: Watters finds it tough to carry ball and ego; drops ball.

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Team: 10. New England (7-4)

Opponent: Indianapolis

Comment: Patsies served with “failure to appear” notice.

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Team: 11. Miami (6-5)

Opponent: Pittsburgh

Comment: Count the times Monday night TV cameras focus on Johnson.

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Team: 12. Houston (6-5)

Opponent: Carolina

Comment: A wild-card lock--Oilers’ remaining foes a combined 19-36.

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Team: 13. Carolina (7-4)

Opponent: at Houston

Comment: Second-year expansion team has four more wins than Lambs.

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Team: 14. Minnesota (6-5)

Opponent: Denver

Comment: How bad’s Green? Vikes want pug who couldn’t beat Air Force.

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Team: 15. Indianapolis (6-5)

Opponent: at New England

Comment: Faulk is averaging 2.8 yards. Thanks for showing up.

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Team: 16. Detroit (5-6)

Opponent: at Chicago

Comment: So far Fontes has lasted longer than Pamela and Tommy Lee.

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Team: 17. Seattle (5-6)

Opponent: Oakland

Comment: Mirer replaces injured Friesz. Why not just surrender?

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Team: 18. Arizona (5-6)

Opponent: Philadelphia

Comment: Suns, Cardinals, Coyotes--Arizona, the land of losers.

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Team: 19. Cincinnati (4-7)

Opponent: Atlanta

Comment: And Pete Rose was betting Coslet would go unbeaten.

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Team: 20. Oakland (4-7)

Opponent: at Seattle

Comment: Players have good attitude. Mr. Rogers would be proud.

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Team: 21. N.Y. Giants (4-7)

Opponent: Dallas

Comment: Reeves not told of Peters signing, time of next game.

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Team: 22. Chicago (4-7)

Opponent: Detroit

Comment: Spellman predicts Bears in playoffs--Dole to still beat Clinton.

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Team: 23. Jacksonville (4-7)

Opponent: at Baltimore

Comment: Rison taught lesson--sent to Green Bay--for playoffs.

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Team: 24. Baltimore (3-8)

Opponent: Jacksonville

Comment: On “Up Close,” Vinny said he’s having great year. Three wins!

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Team: 25. Tampa Bay (3-8)

Opponent: New Orleans

Comment: Raiders, Chargers fall--but can Buccaneers beat real NFL teams?

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Team: 26. New Orleans (2-9)

Opponent: at Tampa Bay

Comment: Venturi won more games at Northwestern--one.

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Team: 27. St. Louis (3-8)

Opponent: Green Bay

Comment: Pack won’t have to worry about Rams running up score.

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Team: 28. Atlanta (2-9)

Opponent: at Cincinnati

Comment: Smoltz contract calls for him to throw for Falcons too.

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Team: 29. N.Y. Jets (1-10)

Opponent: at Buffalo

Comment: Horror film “Mirror Has Two Faces”: O’Donnell and Kotite.

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Team: 30. San Diego (6-5)

Opponent: at Kansas City

Comment: Can’t beat Tampa at home--pack up the gear, call it a year.