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Capsules and Rankings

Team: 1. Denver (12-2)

Opponent: Oakland

Comment: Exhibition loss to blubbering Cheeseheads no big deal.

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Team: 2. Dallas (9-5)

Opponent: New England

Comment: Johnnie Cochran added to Cowboys’ coaching staff.

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Team: 3. Green Bay (11-3)

Opponent: at Detroit

Comment: Crime deterrent: Sentence perps to life in Green Bay.

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Team: 4. New England (10-4)

Opponent: at Dallas

Comment: Patriots must venture into den of iniquity.

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Team: 5. Carolina (10-4)

Opponent: Baltimore

Comment: Updated “Miracle on 34th Street”: Kris Kringle’s a Panther.

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Team: 6. San Francisco (10-4)

Opponent: at Pittsburgh

Comment: Whatever Bill Walsh is doing, it’s not enough.

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Team: 7. Pittsburgh (10-4)

Opponent: San Francisco

Comment: Bettis is limping. Well, that’s all she wrote.

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Team: 8. Buffalo (9-5)

Opponent: at Miami

Comment: Kelly and Co. eligible for Denny’s senior citizen discount.

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Team: 9. Kansas City (9-5)

Opponent: Indianapolis

Comment: Hard to believe Bono didn’t make Pro Bowl.

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Team: 10. Philadelphia (8-6)

Opponent: at Jets

Comment: Detmer rips Jets, thereby picking on someone his size.

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Team: 11. Indianapolis (8-6)

Opponent: at Kansas City

Comment: One more injury and Colts qualify as national disaster.

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Team: 12. Minnesota (8-6)

Opponent: Tampa Bay

Comment: Vikings play hard. Anything to avoid Holtz hiring.

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Team: 13. Oakland (7-7)

Opponent: at Denver

Comment: Crazy Al may ask Clinton to coach his team.

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Team: 14. Washington (8-6)

Opponent: at Arizona

Comment: Nixon tapes reveal he designed Redskins’ defense.

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Team: 15. Houston (7-7)

Opponent: Cincinnati

Comment: Seventh Wonder of the World: stadium with no fans.

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Team: 16. Jacksonville (7-7)

Opponent: Seattle

Comment: A Panther-Jaguar Super Bowl still possible.

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Team: 17. Chicago (6-8)

Opponent: San Diego

Comment: Imagine if Ditka had the chance to coach Rodman.

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Team: 18. Arizona (6-8)

Opponent: Washington

Comment: Boomer quits. Qualified now to play for Chargers.

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Team: 19. Cincinnati (6-8)

Opponent: at Houston

Comment: Coslet wants to stay in power. So did Marge Schott.

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Team: 20. Miami (6-8)

Opponent: Buffalo

Comment: Johnson wants to dump Shula playbook. Has to blame somebody.

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Team: 21. Seattle (6-8)

Opponent: at Jacksonville

Comment: Allen saves L.A., works deal for Seahawks.

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Team: 22. Quitters (7-7)

Opponent: at Chicago

Comment: Chargers get Humphries back. Whoop-dee-doo.

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Team: 23. Giants (6-8)

Opponent: New Orleans

Comment: Brown or Kanell? How did Reeves win six games?

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Team: 24. Tampa Bay (5-9)

Opponent: at Minnesota

Comment: Mars Attacks! No nuttier than Dilfer playing well.

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Team: 25. Detroit (5-9)

Opponent: Green Bay

Comment: Wayne’s World: Lions finish against Packers, 49ers.

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Team: 26. St. Louis (4-10)

Opponent: at Atlanta

Comment: Georgia wants win for Christmas. She’s so demanding.

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Team: 27. Baltimore (4-10)

Opponent: at Carolina

Comment: Testaverde picked for Pro Bowl. Smelling salts, please.

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Team: 28. Atlanta (3-11)

Opponent: St. Louis

Comment: Been naughty or nice? Santa won’t be visiting Falcons.

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Team: 29. New Orleans (2-12)

Opponent: at Giants

Comment: Saints have Everett, why would they want Manning?

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Team: 30. Jets (1-13)

Opponent: Philadelphia

Comment: “Ellen” comes out of closet, admits she’s Jet fan.