Feathers not included:If a famous TV commercial...

Feathers not included:

If a famous TV commercial for Wendy’s had been written for John’s Burgers instead, the feisty octogenarian on camera would have looked at the bun and asked, “Where’s the ostrich?”

Well, it’s at John’s Burgers in north Long Beach.

Buffalo, too.

Owner Joe Bezoian says he recently added the exotic burger varieties to the menu because he’s a physical fitness buff and the patties are leaner.

Of course, he’s a businessman, too. “This place burned down in the [1992] riots,” Bezoian said. “I’m always looking for ways to increase business.”

Which explains the eye-catching sign outside his eatery on Downey Avenue.

And the reviews from customers? “They like buffalo all right, but I have more repeat business for ostrich,” he said. “Ostrich is very popular.”

This should be cause for concern for ostriches. But you know how they are at facing up to reality.

DON’T KNOW MUCH ABOUT GEOGRAPHY: Ken Brock of Moreno Valley wonders if any business people will get lost on the way to meetings because they were guided by one publication’s “Meetings Planner” map.

Pasadena, you’ll notice, is northwest of L.A. (a misconception possibly related to the fact that UCLA plays its football games in the Rose Bowl). Riverside has joined L.A. County but will require only minor changes in its stationery because it seems to be in Pico Rivera. And Anaheim has apparently moved into Lakewood--the expansion of Disneyland is obviously underway.

WANTED--ONE SECOND BANANA: Now that Disney’s Michael Ovitz has departed--could it be he didn’t like Lakewood?--the Magic Kingdom has a job opening. Big-hearted Only in L.A. thought it would help out boss Michael Eisner by passing along the names of some experienced No. 2 men and women, including:

* Jeffrey Katzenberg of DreamWorks (Whoops! He already quit Disney.)

* Ed McMahon

* Any teammate of the Lakers’ Shaquille O’Neal

* Dan Quayle

* Bob Arthur, formerly of KABC radio’s Ken & Bob Show

* Roger Barkley, formerly of KABC radio’s Ken & Barkley Show

* Peter Tilden, currently of KABC radio’s Minyard & Tilden Show (Or is Ken Minyard the No. 2 man?)

* Howard Stern associate Robin Quivers

* Madonna’s boyfriend

But our personal choice is a loyal employee who would be well suited to obeying Eisner. And his hiring would be a coup because he works on another network. We nominate Mr. Burns’ faithful assistant on TV’s “The Simpsons”--Smithers.

miscelLAny:

In our continuing search for scraps of dialogue that immortalize Southern California towns, we bring you this from David Allen, a columnist for the Victor Valley Daily Press. Allen writes that in an episode of TV’s “Nash Bridges,” Cheech Martin’s beer-loving character complains: “Boy, do I got a small bladder. Last time we drove to Vegas we must’ve stopped 15 times. They got some nice facilities in Victorville though.”