Big Tent and Ringmaster Are Only Things Missing

On the one hand, it’s a privilege to watch Michael Jordan. On the other, you don’t want to have to go to the circus to do it.

Wouldn’t it be wonderful if Utah could actually challenge the Chicago Bulls and we could get rid of some of the clown acts?

Such as:

* Dennis Rodman.

It would be a far better show without the Bulls’ boss loony who has figured out New Basketball, developing techniques to entwine opponents like a vine twisting itself around a tree, without getting called for it.

Then there are his continual provocations, nudges, pushes, low-bridges and taunts. One hoped Alonzo Mourning would finally lay him out,

but Mourning restrained himself at a level worthy of a Nobel Peace Prize candidate.

Throw in Rodman’s paranoia, alienation, books, cross-dressing, self-promotion, etc., and you have an obnoxious but mostly tired act.

We’ve seen him in a blond wig and wedding dress for his Manhattan parade. We’ve seen him in glitter face paint with Roy Firestone. What I’d like to see now is Rodman bound and gagged on the Bulls’ bench.

* Gene Siskel.

Every team must now have celebrity fans for TV cameras to focus on in off-moments. The Knicks and Lakers have dozens, but the Bulls, the greatest team of all, have a depth problem. There’s Bill Murray and then there’s . . . Siskel?

Well, at least he’s a bald head everyone knows. Isn’t he the guy Roger Ebert looks as if he wants to choke every show?

However, when Siskel starts doing interviews, such as last week’s with Firestone, breathlessly describing Rodman’s “joy in performing quality”--a true fan, he’ll forgive anything that slithers onto the court as long as it wears a red uniform--things have gone too far.

Then there was this: “My philosophy is, you never break up a winner.”

His philosophy? Yo, Gene, you’re a movie reviewer! Give it a rest, will you?

* Ahmad Rashad.

NBC’s longtime embarrassment and Jordan valet outdid himself in Miami last week, announcing before Game 4 that Jordan had played “one round of golf” on the day off.

Of course, Jordan had played a lot more than one round--46 holes, according to newspaper reports--which Rashad knew, since he had ridden around the course with Jordan.

Said the offended Ahmad to USA Today’s Rudy Martzke: “I was on the golf cart. I don’t remember those [writers] being there.”

If NBC Sports were a news organization, covering up a story, on top of the long-standing conflict-of-interest question of fraternizing with a news source, would be a firing offense. However, the division president, Dick Ebersol, cleared that up, declaring the golf issue as “pathetic.”

In a neat postscript, by Game 5, NBC’s announcers were going with the writers’ 46-hole figure.

Jordan later revealed the number of holes he had played to the Chicago Sun-Times’ Rick Telander: 42. Maybe Ahmad just dozed through the last 24.

* Jordan golf stories.

Having Jordan around means never lacking an angle, pathetic or otherwise.

Since his return from baseball, Jordan has been so happy, his foibles have gone unnoticed or unreported. Besides, with Rodman around, there were bigger foibles to concentrate on.

Jordan’s golf can be understood as one more demonstration of his ultra-compulsive, ultra-competitive personality. If he was someone who played 18 holes, he might not be someone who could rally his team from a 21-point deficit, after missing 20 of his first 22 shots. With Jordan, heart is just another of his excesses.

On the other hand, he isn’t shooting well now--he’s 21 for 66 in his last two games. He has played better at the start of a series, when he is rested, than later on and has gone long stretches looking tired.

However, Jordan is nothing if not intent on proving his point, even if he has to play every course in America between now and the end of the finals.

Despite his Game 4 travails, he played again before Game 5 on a cool, raw day in Chicago.

“Lots,” he told Rashad. Thirty-six holes, reported Chicago TV stations. What do you know, he flamed out again the next night.

Asked afterward if he had any new nicknames for himself--following Game 2’s “doo doo”--Jordan answered, “Golf addict.”

* Jordan’s manufactured snits.

That “con man” stuff Jeff Van Gundy and George Karl blab about is ridiculous. As good as Jordan is, the last thing he has to do is schmooze opponents. He’s just a nice guy who likes to say hello and then drop the bomb on you.

His big technique is just the opposite, deciding he’s been insulted, disrespected, etc., swelling up with indignation and blowing away the offender in the next game.

Of course, like an overworked Western gunfighter, Jordan often infers insults where none exist, as in his last game against Seattle, when Karl noted he doesn’t drive much anymore, to protect himself.

This had been going on for years. Jordan discussed it freely but it was another thing for someone else to say it, and worse if it got into the papers.

“Oh, you think I can’t drive,” he said. “You trying to get in my head?”

He proceeded to hit the SuperSonics for 45 points and pranced by their bench, staring at Karl, his fellow North Carolina alum, several times.

However, comparing Mourning’s elbow to Scottie Pippen’s head and his wrestling match with Rodman to the Bad Boy Pistons was too much. Jordan’s declarations--”It’s personal”--were transparent, as was his refusal to shake Mourning’s hand.

Jordan was embarrassed, someone had to pay. However even Phil Jackson conceded they couldn’t complain about anyone’s behavior while they have Rodman.

It was personal for about five minutes, after which Jordan went back to looking like a tired cross-trainer and the game turned into the biggest afterthought since the Bronco chase during Game 4 of the 1994 Knicks-Rockets finals.

Let’s hope these finals go better. They’re due.

ROCKET REQUIEM: SAY GOODNIGHT, CHARLIE

Looks as if it wasn’t such a good idea to try to intimidate John Stockton.

By the end of the Western Conference finals, there was no doubt who was best. Hakeem Olajuwon was having trouble beating Greg Ostertag. Charles Barkley was in over his head, literally and figuratively, against Karl Malone. Sedale Threatt, a nice player but as any Laker fan knows, a stopgap at the point, was getting most of the time there.

For Barkley, it was a tour de farce, suggesting that if he hasn’t stayed too long, he’s on the cusp.

He questioned Hannah Storm’s right as a woman to host NBC’s in-studio show, perhaps upset that she picked up on his suggestion that the Rockets without rings--a group led by Barkley--wanted to win more than the Rockets who already had them.

Was that aimed at Clyde Drexler? Inquiring minds--and Drexler--wanted to know. He confronted Barkley, who needed someone to lay it off on and up popped Hannah.

Storm is the daughter of former ABA commissioner Mike Storen and followed pro hoops when Barkley was still a kid hanging out in doughnut shops in Leeds, Ala.

Barkley zinged Bill Clinton--”the guy y’all elected”--upset at current tax rates. Barkley makes $15 million in salary and endorsements but probably takes home only $10 million, and you know how that can tick a guy off.

The question is not whether Barkley will run for Alabama governor--outlook in two words: fat chance--but whether, if he’s going to inflict his political insights on America, he should register to vote. He has lived five years in Phoenix without bothering to do so.

Barkley also kicked at an ESPN cameraman on the baseline at Salt Lake City but missed the key areas, saving himself a six-figure settlement and a chance to have something in common with Rodman.

Nor, having talked the talk, could Barkley walk the walk.

He can become an NBC announcer, perhaps a great one. In addition, leaving the locker room might help him shed some of his jocko outlook, or, failing that, suggest which parts to hide.

OUR FINALS PICK. . . THE JAZZ

Having insisted that the Bulls were finished since they started signing key actors to one-year deals last June, I find it difficult to bow to the obvious: They’re favored and should be.

Since last June, they have had a 69-13 season despite lots of injuries and distractions and are 11-2 in the playoffs with Jordan playing raggedly.

Their defense is superb. Jordan’s will is undiminished.

However, when they go down, I’m going to have predicted it, if I have to pick wrong the rest of the century. Ask my wife, what else is new?

The Jazz will be the best playoff team the Bulls have faced. The Utah veterans are tough and battle tested. For the first time this spring, the Bulls won’t have had an extra week of rest while their next opponent was going the distance.

If the Jazz can get one of the first two in Chicago, and hold home-court in Game 3 in Salt Lake City, the Bulls may start feeling their age and distractions. Now that would be entertainment.

Prediction: Jazz, 4-2.