Punch Lines

Pastimes: Bandai Co., the maker of virtual pets, says a new version will be out soon, says Jerry Perisho. “It’s the virtual actor. Feed its ego and polish its image, or its career slowly dies while doing ‘Free Willy’ 6, 7 and 8.” “Football season is here again,” says Russ Myers. “The way you can tell is that domestic conversation is limited to, ‘What’s the score?’ ‘How many minutes till halftime?’ and ‘Have you read my divorce lawyer’s letter yet?’ ”

“The NFL teams have trimmed their rosters to 53. Of course, the Dallas Cowboys carry only 52 players because under salary-cap rules they have to have enough money left over to pay lawyers.” (Alan Ray)

* “The Cowboys’ Deion Sanders announced at the practice field that he had found peace in his life,” says Argus Hamilton. “Just in time. They haven’t had any peace around there since they took away Barry Switzer’s gun.”

“U.S. lugers started their season in Lake Placid, N.Y.,” says Brian J. Hill. “You know ‘luge’--the French word for ‘suicide.’ ”

Fox canceled the Scott Baio show “Rewind” before it even got to the air. “You think that’s embarrassing for Baio?” asks the Cutler Daily Scoop. “Imagine being known for the rest of your life as Chachi.”

* “Producers say the show is still ‘evolving’ . . . into a different plot, different case, different name. . . .” (Daily Scoop)

*

Trouble in Paradise: The city of Malibu is nearly bankrupt, says Steve Voldseth. “They may have to cut back on services. In fact, beginning this fall, ‘Baywatch’ will be called ‘Bayglimpse.’ ”

* “To ease the crisis, celebrities are lending a hand with a charity fair. It will feature the Kelsey Grammer bumper car ride and the Robert Downey Jr. sleepover auction.” (Alex Kaseberg)

*

In the News: The Paula Jones case will be heard May 28. “President Clinton vowed to fight this case,” says Hamilton. “He doesn’t know how to sexually harass a woman and he’s got the lack of military experience to prove it.”

“Two high-ranking North Korean diplomats have defected to the U.S. And why not?” asks Zack Taylor. “We’ve got it all--life, liberty and the return of Donny and Marie.”

* “There was some confusion when one insisted on surrendering only to Hawkeye Pierce.” (Perisho)

McDonald’s is considering dropping the much hyped Arch Deluxe because of poor sales. “Yeah, apparently with Bill Clinton and Newt Gingrich both on diets, nobody’s been eating it.” (Rudolph J. Cecera)

*

Patti Klein Lerner’s 5-year-old daughter, Jenny, answered the phone and took a business call for her father. “May I take a message?” she said, getting out a piece of paper. Then, still in the voice of efficiency, she told the caller:

“Just a minute. I have to get a darker crayon.”