ICNFESS

Each word is taken from the vanity plate master list issued by the DMV.

IAM GILTEE, YRHONOR. YPRETND?

AFTERAL DIDNOT ZE COPPS

KECHME NTHEACT? YESI SMASHED EVERY

WYND CHYME ZAT MYY NAYBOR OWNED.

GILTY, GILTI, GILLTIE. ITHROW MESELF

ONDA MERSIE OFD KOURT.

*

YESOYES, DATS THE LARJ

MALLETT IDID USE.

*

HOWE DOI EXPLAIN DA KRAAAZY WILDEYE

FERAL LOOK ONN MYYY PHACE WHEN IDIDIT?

SYMPLE. OVRTYME ZSOUND

OF THOS CHIMES TRNS4MD

MEE N2 UNO SYKOPAF.

*

IHEARD EM ALLZTYM. IDO WAKEUPP:

TYNKEL TINKLL. IBTALKN ONDFONE: PLINK

PLANK. IEAT2NA: BINGLE BINNK. IWRITE

PL8SPK: HINKLE JINGL. ITRIM MII CUTICLS:

DINGEL DING. IOPEN ABOOKE, IPULL

OFFFME SOXX, BREATHE: PINGLE PINKKI

PANGIE PANG PING.

*

ANY ACTT IPER4M--NOMATTR HOW

PRIV8--ILISN 2D SAME NDLESS

APAWLNG SNDTRAC.

*

WTSDMTR WITH AA WINND CHIME? ISUPOZ

1IS OKAAY, JUDGE, BUTHEY, 28 IZZ PTHLGCL.

DURING ABIGGE SNTAANA IADVIZE HVYDTY

EAR PLUGSS.

*

YESINO ITZ NOTLEGL, THA SMASHNG. IMSORY.

BUT ALLIASK FORRE IZ MI BRTHRIT.

2HEAR KDS ATPLAY. BRDSNG. DAA BREEEZ

NDA PALMS. NOT DINKIE DINKEL DINK

NYTNDAY.

*

CASE DISMIST.

*

* For PL8SPK translation, please see Page 34.

(BEGIN TEXT OF INFOBOX / INFOGRAPHIC)

Platespeak translation

I Confess

I am guilty, your honor. Why pretend? After all, didn’t the cops catch me in the act? Yes, I smashed every wind chime that my neighbor owned. Guilty, guilty, guilty. I throw myself at the mercy of the court.

Yes, oh, yes, that’s the large mallet that I used.

How do I explain the crazy, wild-eye, feral look on my face when I did it? Simple. Over time the sound of those chimes transformed into one psychopath.

I heard them all the time. I do wake up: tinkle tinkle. I be talking on the phone: plink plank. I eat tuna: bingle bink. I write PL8SPK: hinkle jingle. I trim my cuticles: dingle ding. I open a book, I pull off my socks, breathe: pingle pinky pangy pang ping.

Any act I perform--no matter how private--I listen to same endless, appalling soundtrack.

What’s the matter with a wind chime? I suppose one is OK, judge, but, hey, 28 is pathological. During a big Santa Ana I advise heavy duty earplugs.

Yes I know it’s not legal, the smashing. I’m sorry. But all I ask for is my birthright. To hear kids at play. Bird song. The breeze in the palms. Not dinky dinkle dink, night and day.

Case dismissed.