Off-Kilter

Revamp the Olympics: We have zero interest in the Winter Olympics, but that would change if they added some new events:

* Bar Pickup Lines. The 1962 victor was a debonair Frenchman whose “What’s your sign?” entry blew away the competition. The U.S. fought back in 1966 with “If I said you had a beautiful body, would you hold it against me?” But the French returned to prominence in the 1970s with their resilient “Voulez-vous coucher avec moi, ce soir?” This year’s favorite: a surprise last-minute entry from Washington, “Ever done it aboard Air Force One?”

* Freestyle Obscene Gesturing. The current champion, a New York City cab driver, returns to defend his gold medal.

* Olympic Whining (also known as Synchronized Sniveling). Fran Drescher is strong but could lose to a team of California bar owners whimpering about how the new no-smoking law is hurting business.

* Olympic Hide and Seek: Iraq and the U.S. square off. Saddam Hussein tries to hide chemical weapons from an American team led by subpoena-crazed Kenneth Starr, a vast right-wing conspiracy and a pack of rabid reporters . . . while the Clinton cover-up team tries to conceal a sex scandal and Whitewater documents from U.N. inspectors and a cadre of phone-tapping Iraqi interns.

* The Urban Triathlon. This new endurance event features a low-speed Ford Bronco chase, nine-month murder trial and concluding round of golf.

* The Ultra-Ironman. The world’s toughest athletes pass through a succession of one-hour conferences with a car salesman, time-share condo marketer, door-to-door evangelist, telephone solicitor, life insurance agent, PBS telethon host and--although no one has ever made it this far--a concert by Kenny G.

Weird Polls: The nation’s pulse-takers are apparently running out of decent survey questions. The evidence:

* A Lutheran Brotherhood survey revealing that 88% of senior citizens will pick up pennies on the sidewalk, versus 55% of Generation Xers.

* A Blistex survey showing that the biggest turnoffs to romance are too much flab (31%), excessive perfume (24%) and (surprise!) chapped lips (14%).

* A Hanes Hosiery survey ranking the nation’s sexiest celebrity legs. The winners: Tina Turner and Richard Gere.

Signs of the Apocalypse: On a distressing note, Chicago Sun-Times columnist Zay N. Smith reports that “we should have appreciated 1961 when we had the chance [because] there will not be a single year in the next millennium that reads upside-down the same way it reads right-side up.” In fact, get yourself cryogenically frozen because the next topsy-turvy year isn’t until 6009.

Best Supermarket Tabloid Headline: “Whoosh! Street Sweeper Sucks Up Puppy and Turns Him Into Mincemeat!” (Weekly World News)

* Roy Rivenburg can be reached by e-mail at [email protected].

Contributors: Wireless Flash, Ann Harrison, Charlie Waters, Janet Cromley, Bob Sipchen