This Gift Wasn’t the Cat’s Meow

The Beacon House of San Pedro, a recovery facility for addicts, is pleased to receive donations from the public--but staffers there are occasionally unsure what to do with a particular gift.

For instance, the “Malt-Flavored Enzymatic Toothpaste for Cats With Flouride” package that appeared on the doorstep.

Contents of the household kit, besides the toothpaste, were a tiny red toothbrush (six bristles) and some tiny mouth pads.

“We’ve got a bunch of cats living around here, most of them feral (wild),” said spokesman Art Vinsel.

“Anyone trying to brush their teeth would end up needing tetanus shots.

“What you should also get in this kit is a chair and a whip.”

WELCOME TO L.A.: She lives 3,000 miles away, but Arlene Ryan of Hurley, N.Y., gave prominent mention to L.A. in her annual Christmas letter.

While she and her husband Bill were visiting cousin Carol Ann Garcia here, Ryan wrote, they “stopped at a liquor store to pick up a bottle of wine. Bill came running back to the car and said, ‘We have to get out of here--quick.”’

Ryan noted that “we had double-parked and I thought that was somewhat drastic, but out of the corner of my eye I saw five policemen--with shotguns.”

No, the cops hadn’t stepped up enforcement of the parking laws.

“It seems,” Ryan wrote, “that Bill had walked into a robbery in progress.”

THIS DIDN’T MAKE “BEVERLY HILLS COP”: Paula Van Gelder noticed the following “assault with a deadly weapon” incident listed in the police blotter of the Beverly Hills Courier: “Suspect bumped victim with vehicle after refusing to pay for valet services.”

ONLY IN L.A. DINING GUIDE: I have some real dishes for adventurous eaters today (see accompanying)!

Alan Cantwell of Hollywood contributed one menu item that led him to speculate, “Maybe this is where the new Hong Kong flu comes from.”

Judy Griswold of Rowland Heights noticed a plate that diners may or may not beat feet to order here.

And, for dessert, Allan Goodman of Chino noted: “My wife Sue had a craving for an eclair the other night. It had been a while since she last ate one--apparently the ingredients have changed. . . .”

There’s definitely something fishy about that eclair.

TRAFFIC OBSTACLE DU JOUR: All-news radio station KFWB-AM (980) reported that a protester’s sign (cause unknown) disrupted the flow of vehicles Tuesday when it fell from the Grand Avenue overpass onto the Santa Ana Freeway.

CUSTOMERS SAY THE DARNDEST THINGS: In our continuing series of Kid vs. Waitress, Sheila Winston of North Hollywood says her precocious son Jason was reading a menu at age 2.

One day in a restaurant, Winston continued, “Jason ordered, ‘Two eggs, any style.’ The waitress asked him how he wanted them. He kept saying, ‘Any style, any style. I’ve already had sunny side up, over medium and scrambled. I want to taste any style.’ ”

The waitress made the choice for Jason.

Winston says that when the food arrived, her son “grumbled because ‘any style’ turned out exactly like ‘scrambled.’ ”

Hope the kid left a nice tip, anyway.

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The Outlook newspaper reports that when students at University High in West L.A. voted for a nickname to replace “Warriors,” one suggestion was “Unibombers.” The Uni High administration promptly rejected “Unibombers.”

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Steve Harvey can be reached by phone at (213) 237-7083, by fax at (213) 237-4712, by e-mail at [email protected] and by mail at Metro, L.A. Times, Times Mirror Square, L.A. 90053.