Punch Lines

Beached Whales: “Everyone’s talking about that film of the world’s largest ocean-floating object colliding with the world’s biggest and whitest piece of frozen ice. But enough about those photos of Bill and Hillary in their swimsuits.” (Steve Voldseth)

Mickey Mao: Mao Tse-tung’s preserved corpse is once again on display in China’s Tiananmen Square. “These people really need to get cable.” (Premiere Radio)

Stupid Is as Stupid Does: Mykelti Williamson, the actor who played Forrest Gump’s friend Bubba, has been arrested for allegedly stalking his ex-wife and stabbing her boyfriend. “Police said he could be charged with impersonating O.J. Simpson.” (Jay Leno)

Trouble Brewing: Paula Jones will be at the White House to witness Bill Clinton’s deposition. “You know what’ll happen. The moment she walks in, Buddy’s going to jump on her leg, and we’ll have a whole new lawsuit.” (Argus Hamilton)

Solitary Confinement: Security is very high at the trial of accused Unabomber Ted Kaczynski. “To keep him isolated, police are holding him in a movie theater showing ‘The Postman.’ ” (Leno)

Unabomber II: “Meanwhile, the judge informed Kaczynski that he cannot fire his attorneys. The judge paused, then added, ‘It goes without saying that you can’t blow them up, either.’ ” (Alex Kaseberg)

Wooden Veep: “The deaths of Sonny Bono and Michael Kennedy from skiing into trees have made people nervous walking through the White House. Everybody swerves into the wall when they see Al Gore approaching.” (Hamilton)

Letting It All Hang Out: E. Paul Bindrim, the father of nude psychotherapy, has died at age 77. “Fortunately, there won’t be an open casket.” (Roy Rivenburg)

Tooth Fairy Tale: The world’s oldest dental implant, a 1,900-year-old metal tooth, was discovered recently. “Not surprisingly, it was found under the world’s oldest pillow.” (Joe Kevany)

Picasso in the Ring: Evander Holyfield says he’s forgiven Mike Tyson and would fight him again. “Being a good Christian, Holyfield is willing to turn the other ear.” (Daily Scoop)

Holy Pop Culture: “Celebrity has become America’s new religion. If Leonardo da Vinci were alive today, he’d paint ‘The Last Episode of Seinfeld.’ ” (Hamilton)

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