Sweet Music to Their Ears: A Little Rock ‘n’ Cinnamon Roll?

Edible Music Bureau: When the Muzak company was recently asked to create a soundtrack for Cinnabon shops, it had to grapple with a bizarre question: “What does a cinnamon roll sound like?”

So a team of “audio architects” began hunting for songs deemed to be the musical equivalent of the aroma of a Cinnabon. The goal was to somehow evoke childhood memories of mom baking in the kitchen, says Muzak Vice President Alvin Collis: “It’s about warmth, safety and family.”

When the song list was ready, Cinnabon executives were brought in and asked to close their eyes while Muzak officials played a mix of classic jazz, Frank Sinatra, Sarah McLachlan and “new acoustic” instrumental music.

Here at Off-Kilter, we think this is preposterous. When we hear Sinatra and McLachlan, we don’t envision cinnamon buns. We think of lightly braised veal in a creamy garlic sauce with a side of potatoes au gratin and a glass of 1993 cabernet (either Beringer or Kendall Jackson).

But when the Cinnabon execs listened to the music, they said, “We’ve just experienced a cinnamon roll. Let’s do business.”

Other companies are apparently following suit. Two years ago, Muzak all but eliminated its elevator-music catalog in favor of original material by popular artists. Although instrumental versions of hit tunes are still available, the Seattle-based company’s new focus is on assembling custom soundtracks for businesses, says Collis, who played in a punk rock band before joining Muzak: “We try to find musical elements that express the personality of a client.”

In some cases, that means hiring big-name artists to record songs specifically for Muzak. For example, Puff Daddy did an original Muzak CD that was played and sold exclusively at Foot Action, a sports-shoe store.

Teacher’s Pet Bureau: A British teachers union has proposed that dogs be trained as classroom aides for elementary-school teachers. According to the London Times, the union believes canines could round up youngsters and prevent mischief. “A big dog would also be helpful for breaking up fights and looking for lost property, like gym shoes or Barbie dolls,” said a union spokeswoman. “They would also lick up any spilt milk or [food] that children dropped on the floor.”

Best Supermarket Tabloid Story: “Guess What We Found in Bill and Hillary’s Garbage Cans! Weekly World News Reporters Go ‘Dumpster Diving’ at the White House!”

Items uncovered during the tabloid’s 12-month investigation included: two bottles of Hombre love oil, a “mind boggling” 323 empty cans of Chef Boyardee spaghetti and meatballs, a “Buns of Steel” video, five unopened letters (one each from Clinton’s brother, a cancer patient in Utah, a Cub Scout troop in New York, a homeless family in West Virginia and Vice President Al Gore), a psychic hotline membership card signed by the first lady and a congratulatory letter from Publisher’s Clearinghouse announcing that Bill “Clanton” could be a sweepstakes winner.

Naturally, Off-Kilter is thinking of hiring “audio architects” to set the Clintons’ trash to music. We envision a Muzak soundtrack consisting of Tammy Wynette, Fleetwood Mac and K.C. and the Sunshine Band’s “Shake Your Booty.”

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