Here’s an Earful on a Cool Way to Cut Down on the Creepy-Crawlies

Little Miss Muffet 2000: America faces a growing problem of angry tarantulas attaching themselves to people’s ears and refusing to budge. Fortunately, a veterinarian in Carmel has written a new book that addresses this grave situation.

In “The Tarantula Whisperer” (Conari Press), Dr. Laura Pasten--who once worked as Morris the cat’s personal physician--says the best way to calm a militant tarantula is to stick it in a refrigerator, which slows the spider’s movements and inhibits its aggressiveness.

As an example, she cites the case of an agitated tarantula that dug into and became one with the ear of a Northern California man. Under normal circumstances, a police SWAT team would surround the area and either lob tiny tear gas canisters at the man’s head or--if that fails--smash it with a battering ram. Of course, if the tarantula had hostages, a lengthy standoff could ensue as authorities crouch beside the man’s head with a megaphone and try to negotiate with the spider.

But tragedy was averted when the man simply stuck his head in the fridge and the spider bolted, leaving no one hurt.

Alarming Trends Bureau: The government keeps ignoring our warnings about the Y2K-minus-one problem, in which people stressing out about Y2K go crazy in the year preceding it. Here are the latest victims of the syndrome:

* An entomologist in Canada is feeding sheets of red, green and blue paper to wasps in order to have them create psychedelic-colored nests, which he plans to sell to art galleries.

* A Salt Lake City man who goes by the name Aziz says Jesus Christ personally instructed him to become a male belly dancer as a way to spread Christian goodwill.

* A Los Angeles dentist and reincarnation expert says Jerry Springer’s obsession with fights began 300 years ago, in a past life. After putting Springer under hypnosis, the dentist also discovered that the talk-show host will be reincarnated in the next century as a Montana rancher named Bobby.

Bobby will work on a government project to raise crops on the moon and--it’s a shame we can’t witness this sooner--die when his spacecraft crashes on a return trip to Earth.

Sign of the Times: Inscribed on a tombstone photographed in Clyde Chamberlin’s Solitude in Stone newsletter:

Petros T. Petrides

Sept. 7, 1930--May 20, 1997

MysticP[email protected]

This Orb for Rent: The advertising firm of Saatchi & Saatchi is looking for a way to project an image on the moon at the start of the millennium, according to the London Telegraph. That’s one small step for man, one giant leap for new and improved Tide detergent.

Off-Kilter Encyclopedia: The only U.S. postman who delivers letters by boat is Huey L. Collins, 64, who also has to fend off alligators along his 28-mile swampy route through Magnolia Springs, Ala.

Hero of the Week: The city of Palo Alto has begun ticketing drivers who park oversize cars in compact-only spaces, according to the San Francisco Chronicle. The fine is $30.

Best Supermarket Tabloid Headline: “Miracle Donkey Healing Sick in Jerusalem . . . and DNA Expert Says Animal Is a Direct Descendant of the One That Jesus Rode!” (Weekly World News)

Unpaid Informants: Wireless Flash News Service, San Francisco Chronicle, PR Newswire. Off-Kilter’s e-mail address is [email protected]. Off-Kilter runs Mondays, Wednesdays and Fridays.