There’s a Sucker Born Every Minute --and He Probably Lives Next Door

P.T. Barnum Bureau: Walter Cronkite used to be the most trusted man in America. Now it’s the guy next door. According to a survey by DiMassimo Brand Advertising, people will believe all sorts of stupid things if the information comes from a friend or neighbor.

To conduct the survey, DiMassimo recruited 200 people to tell fibs to their friends and then polled the friends a week later. The results:

* 23% said Amazon.com was a fashion Web site for portly women instead of an online bookseller.

* 22% thought milk was “the other white meat,” not pork.

* 27% said “Just do it” was the slogan of Ex-Lax instead of Nike.

* 36% thought George Bush Jr. was running for president as a Democrat instead of a Republican.

* 12% said Kosovo was in South America instead of Europe.

* 20% believed McDonalds was giving away action figures from the movie “Eyes Wide Shut.”

* 29% said Kenneth Starr was the president of Starbucks.

Caffeine Buzz: In coffee news, a Northern California company brewed the world’s biggest cup of java last week using a custom-made 1,000-gallon cup that measured 9 1/2 feet tall by 8 feet wide. Also on hand were 500 gallons of cream and 4,000 packets each of sugar and Equal sweetener.

No free refills were offered. But a spokeswoman for the Ryan Coffee Co., which sponsored the event, said the brontosaurus-sized cup contained enough java to fill 16,000 regular cups.

And if the caffeine were converted to electricity, it could power the city of Des Moines for two years. Or so we were told by our neighbor.

In a related story, Starbucks recently announced plans to add 600 new stores to its already ubiquitous chain. Says comedy writer Steve Voldseth: “To give you an idea how many that is, I walked into my kitchen this morning and Starbucks had taken over my Mr. Coffee location.”

Bad Omens Bureau: Call us naive and idealistic, but we really did believe the new millennium would usher in an era of peace, harmony and paper towels with 30% more absorbency. But it’s all over now, as confirmed in a recent press release.

All the hopes and promise of a new age will be dashed in Gisborne, New Zealand, “the city of the first light of the first day of the 21st century,” with a New Year’s concert by John Tesh--inflicted on the rest of the world via cable TV.

Alarming Trends Bureau: In 1998, sales of traditional toys inched up 2%, but sales of wrestling-related toys jumped 169%, according to the NPD Group, a marketing information firm.

Bonus alarming trend: About 500 car buffs will be in the buff this weekend for a Nude Classic Car Show in Cambridge, Wis.

Philosophical Mystery of the Day: From comic Will Durst: “How’s Pat Buchanan going to build a 2,000-mile wall along the Mexican border without Mexican labor?”

Best Supermarket Tabloid Headline: “Man Explodes While Passing Gas! ‘He Went Up Like a Human Hindenburg!’ ” (Weekly World News)

Apparently, the victim suffered a severe flatulence attack as he walked past an open flame, triggering the blast. Experts believe the incident might also solve the riddle of what causes spontaneous human combustion.

Unpaid Informants: Wireless Flash News Service, PR Newswire. Off-Kilter’s e-mail address is [email protected]. Off-Kilter runs Mondays, Wednesdays and Fridays.