Kindling New Beliefs

It came as a shock, that first Christmas: Kathleen Haimov of Los Alamitos, a convert to Judaism, found she yearned for the familiar rituals and warmth of the Christian holiday.

“I missed it so much in the beginning,” she said, remembering the little windows of the Advent calendar and the rituals of putting up and decorating the Christmas tree.

Besides feeling guilty about her fond memories of Christmas, Haimov also felt guilty for abandoning the faith of her family.

The “December Dilemma”--how to deal with the omnipresence of Christmas--is an issue for many American Jews as they prepare for Hanukkah, which begins at sundown today. It is one that looms particularly large for recent converts.

Some Jews consider Christmas to be a secular family celebration and see no conflict with Hanukkah, a relatively minor holiday on the traditional Jewish calendar that has assumed greater prominence in part because of its proximity to Christmas.

Against the advice of rabbis who warn against trying to follow both traditions, some Jewish families observe the tenets of Judaism during Hanukkah and exchange presents at Christmas.

Rebecca Bowyer of Huntington Beach, however, says her sadness about missing the Christmas festivities is offset by the joy she feels immersing herself in Jewish traditions that she’ll soon make her own.

Bowyer, 26, is converting after she decided to marry a Jewish man, her college sweetheart from Cal Poly Pomona.

She said she remembers Christmas with fondness--the anticipation the night before Santa was to pop down the chimney with gifts, the stockings, the tree and the Christmas carols.

But now, she’s looking forward to lighting the menorah with her fiance and to forging new traditions for her new life as a Jew.

“Judaism gives me such a sense of family and a sense of togetherness,” she said. “I want religion to be a big part of my children’s lives. And our kids will still be exposed to Christmas because my family is still Christian, but we won’t celebrate it in our household.”

Feelings of loss are natural for recent converts, according to Rabbi Michael Mayersohn of Temple Beth David in Westminster. He advises converts to focus on the new traditions that they gain.

“Hanukkah is the perfect holiday for those who have converted,” he said. “It’s about saying ‘It’s OK to be different,’ and that we can actually celebrate our distinctiveness from the dominant culture.”

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Hanukkah celebrates the victory of Jewish resistance to the dominant culture nearly 2,200 years ago--that of Greece. A Jewish army recaptured Jerusalem from the Syrian-Greek empire. According to tradition, when the Jews rededicated the Temple, which had been desecrated, a small amount of sanctified oil miraculously burned for eight days.

“We have to understand that people are leaving behind emotional connections from Christmas,” Mayersohn said. “We have to help replace them with the smell and the taste of latkes, the music of Hanukkah songs, with the pleasure of playing Hanukkah games with children and with the wonderful tradition of lighting candles every night for eight nights.”

Not all can make the switch, however. Hollywood Hills resident Virginia Gilbert, who converted to Judaism more than six years ago, found the solution was to revert back to Christianity and leave the Hanukkah celebration to her husband, David, who is Jewish.

“The rituals of putting the Christmas tree up really linked me to my family,” said Gilbert, 37. “It was much more powerful than simple red baubles.”

In contrast, Haimov eventually got over her sadness and dug her heels even deeper into her Jewish identity. She decided to celebrate only Hanukkah with her husband and three children and she didn’t allow religious hybrids like a “Hanukkah bush” or a “Jewish stocking” in their home.

Indeed, many rabbis warn Jews--converts and interfaith families alike--against compromise with Christmas.

“A Jewish home shouldn’t have a Christmas tree in it,” said Rabbi Stephen J. Einstein of Congregation B’nai Tzedek in Fountain Valley, who for 23 years has counseled converts and interfaith couples in his “Introduction to Judaism” class.

His class, which costs $275 and takes about six months to complete, attracts many interfaith couples and individuals looking to convert. The course covers marriage, death, birth, Jewish life, Rosh Hashana, Shabbat and Yom Kippur.

“Christmas is a big issue for people who are converting,” said Einstein. “If people don’t believe that God took on human form in the person of Jesus of Nazareth, then they shouldn’t celebrate that holiday anymore.”

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Einstein said he knows one student who converted to Judaism but still kept a Christmas tree in his house and a woman who celebrated Hanukkah exclusively with her family, yet still kept a miniature tree on her night stand.

One student didn’t know what to do with the hordes of antique Christmas decorations passed down from her mother. She finally had a big garage sale last year to clear them out.

“I’ve talked to many converts to Judaism who say giving up Christmas was one of the most difficult things they dealt with during their conversion,” said Ron Wolfson, vice president and director of the Whizin Center for the Jewish Future at the University of Judaism in Los Angeles. “Christmas has so many family memories attached to it.”

According to Wolfson, the symbols of the holiday may seem secular but are laden with religious significance. The Christmas tree, for example, is an evergreen to symbolize the everlasting life of Christ and the star on the tree represents the star of Bethlehem.

Haimov ended up working out a compromise in which “the children always understood that we didn’t celebrate Christmas although we did share it with Grandma and Grandpa.”

Einstein advocates that Jews choose only Hanukkah to celebrate and if necessary, to spend the Christmas holiday with family--but keep the rituals of Christmas out of their Jewish homes.

“Children need to have a specific identity,” he said. “When you’re a little of this and a little of that, then you’re a lot of nothing.”

Haimov said that now she doesn’t miss Christmas at all.

“As time went by, I just got irritated because Christmas is so overwhelming,’ she said. “We are absolutely inundated with Christmas here. That’s why Jews in this country celebrate Hanukkah the way that they do, to compete for their children against Christmas.”