LAUGH LINES

Truth to Tell: Several Republicans didn’t attend the State of the Union address because they felt it would be hypocritical to applaud President Clinton. “Instead, they spent a quiet night at home with their mistresses.” (Conan O’Brien)

A Good Lesson: A portion of the $850,000 President Clinton paid to Paula Jones apparently came from Hillary Clinton’s blind trust. “That’ll teach you to be careful about where you place your blind trust.” (Michael Feldman)

Gearing Up: The president helped with renovations of a senior citizens center last week. “Clinton wore all the required safety stuff: safety glasses, leather gloves, hard hat and the OSHA-approved, Hillary-required zipper keeper-upper.” (Bill Williams)

That’s It!: The congressional seat being vacated by Bob Livingston could be filled by a 48-year-old ophthalmologist named Dr. Monica Monica. “This is the last straw. The country has officially turned into a very bad ‘Hee Haw’ sketch.” (Colin Quinn)

Insure This: According to a report, one in four Californians doesn’t have health insurance. “Gov. Gray Davis says this isn’t good enough. He won’t rest until every Californian has had a medical claim denied.” (Steve Voldseth)

The Whole Truth: Researchers have developed a nose-spray version of Viagra. “And all this time, we thought Pinocchio was just lying.” (Rudolph J. Cecera)

Do the Math: A customer is suing Starbucks for $4 million after being served a coffee drink with broken glass. “When asked how he came up with the $4 million figure, the customer responded, ‘I just want my money back.’ ” (Quinn)

On the Squad: In Florida, a man is fighting the Air Force to cross-dress on the job. “If he doesn’t win, there’s always a job waiting for him on the Chicago Bulls.” (Mark Wheeler)

Off Sides: The Atlanta Falcons do a dance when they score a touchdown. “You know what the Washington Redskins do when they score a touchdown? See, nobody knows.” (Jay Leno)

Wedding Bell Blues: Mick Jagger reportedly claims he was never married to Jerry Hall because their wedding on the island of Bali wasn’t legal. “Not only that, but experts say Keith Richards’ marriage may not be legal because he’s been dead for 10 years.” (O’Brien)

Wedding Bell Blues II: “In legal papers, Hall is seeking custody of the couple’s children while allowing Jagger to keep Keith Richards.” (Bob Mills)

Easy Does It: Kevin Costner turned 44. “He planned a very quiet, very intimate get-together. He invited only those people who saw ‘Waterworld.’ ” (Voldseth)

On the Menu: Calista Flockhart says she suffers from panic attacks. “Apparently they come at breakfast, lunch and dinner.” (Cecera)

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