Customers Actually Fall for This?

Alarming Trends Bureau: A Cornell University study has found that restaurant customers leave bigger tips to waiters who draw smiley faces on the checks, according to the Chicago Sun-Times.

Dictionary Rewrite Bureau: The (Portland) Oregonian newspaper recently asked its readers to invent new words by altering the letters and definitions of existing words or phrases. The results:

* Iraqnaphobia: fear of a small Middle Eastern country.

* Epipany: when you suddenly realize that Gladys Knight had the best backup singers in the world.

* Roadkilt: a runover bagpiper.

* Robotomy: removing the computer chip from a Furby.

* Cellubacy: the refusal to carry a cellular phone.

* Jedipus Complex: an unnatural desire to mate with Beverly Hillbilly Jed Clampett.

Weird Polls Division: A survey by DiMassimo Brand Advertising reveals that 12% of Hershey’s chocolate eaters have had more than one sexual partner at a time, 59% of Pepsi drinkers say they would cheat on a spouse, Newsweek readers enjoy three times as much sex as Time readers, “Touched by an Angel” viewers make love 12 times more often than loyal CNN watchers (three times a week versus once a month), and people who read the style section of a newspaper report better sex lives than those who browse sports or business sections.

Also, people who read Off-Kilter are more likely to have had sex with a space alien.

Heavenly E-Mail: Some children’s letters to God, spotted on the Internet by Catholic Extension magazine:

* “Thank you for the baby brother, but what I really prayed for was a puppy.”

* “Maybe Cain and Abel wouldn’t kill each other so much if they had their own rooms. It works with my brother.”

Quote of the Day: Another classic from our “Deep Thoughts by Jack Handey” calendar: “When I found a skull in the woods, the first thing I did was call the police. But then I got curious about it. I picked it up, and started wondering who this person was and why he had deer horns.”

Lunatic Fringe Department: Upcoming lectures in Orange County: “Entering the Millennium with Dolphins and Whales” (OK, but only if they can solve the Y2K problem) and “Is the Gray Whale a Liaison for Extraterrestrial Communication?”

Yo Quiero Matrimony: A few weeks ago, we mentioned a contest in which Taco Bell offered $10,000 for the best marriage proposal involving the company’s Taco Bell Chihuahua plush toy. The winner was Ken Drobish of Calabasas, who submitted a video of himself parachuting out of an airplane with the toy dog and landing on a bended knee to ask his sweetheart to marry him. Pretty unoriginal if you ask us.

Random Facts Bureau: Termites chew wood twice as fast when listening to rock music, according to the Complete Sheet.

Best Supermarket Tabloid Headline: “Cops Nab Idiot Robber After He Takes a Mannequin Hostage!” (Weekly World News)

Off-Kilter’s e-mail address is [email protected]. Unpaid Informants: Steve Voldseth, PR Newswire. Off-Kilter runs Mondays, Wednesdays and Fridays.