LAUGH LINES

Intern Antics: In her interview with Barbara Walters, Monica Lewinsky said President Clinton used to compliment her on her figure, saying, “You look skinny today.” “Now if Ken Starr could have tricked him into saying that under oath, that would be a perjury charge that might stick.” (Bill Maher)

Intern Antics II: “Yes, Barbara did make her cry. Not with a question. She just ate the last buffalo wing.” (Maher)

More Intern Antics: Lewinsky admitted that during her relationship with the president, she got pregnant by another man. “She cheated on Clinton? Gee, maybe they are ‘sexual soul mates.’ ” (Daily Scoop)

Last Monica Joke (of the Day): The former intern’s book went on sale last week for $24.95 a copy. “On a positive note, $2 from every book will go toward having the president neutered.” (Conan O’Brien)

On the Campaign Trail: Lamar Alexander, the Al Gore of the Republican party, is going to announce once again he is running for president. “Do you remember Lamar Alexander? He was the guy who went around in the red plaid shirt. He is getting rid of the red plain shirt because people remembered the shirt more than they remembered him, which seems to me a pretty good clue you shouldn’t be running for president right there.” (Jay Leno)

Campaign Trail II: Patrick Buchanan is making his third attempt at the White House. “He’s like the Clippers of American politics. He never wins, but he won’t go away.” (Leno)

Speaking of the Clippers: The L.A. team is on a losing streak. “A few more losses and the Clippers will be changing their name to the L.A. Luccis.” (Paul Ecker)

On the Business Beat: Hewlett-Packard is splitting into two companies. “The one that sells computers and the one that puts you on hold and ignores you when you call for technical support.” (Gary Easley)

Raising Hopes: Oprah Winfrey, who has won 32 Daytime Emmys, took herself out of the running for this year’s honors. “She will, however, allow Susan Lucci to use her name on the ballot.” (Bob Mills)

*

The Essential

David Letterman

Questions Dave would have asked Monica Lewinsky:

10. “Are you as completely sick of yourself as the rest of the planet?”

8. “Can Vernon Jordan help me get my old job back at NBC?”

7. “Could you get Clinton to do something about those weird Old Navy commercials?”

5. “Do you know how much easier you’ve made my job over the last 14 months?”

4. “What’s this about your possibly running for senator from New York?”

3. “Where do you see yourself in 10 affairs?”

2. “Who will you be sleeping with in 2000--Gore or Bush?”

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