Forget Inspirational--They Just Want Laughs

“Hell, no! We won’t grow!” vow Manhattan-based comics Jonathan Bines and Gary Greenberg, authors of “Self-Helpless: The Greatest Self-Help Books You’ll Never Read” (Career Press).

Once, they claim, “we went about our unexamined lives, hopelessly out of touch with our inner children . . . past lives . . . planetary origins.” Then, while climbing the Himalayas, they stumbled upon a mountaineer, frozen in repose, gripping “The Seven Habits of Highly Effective People.” They were hooked. Now, “with every book we read, we discover new dysfunctions to remedy.”

Their spoof of everything from sex therapy to near-death experiences includes:

“I’m O.J.--You’re O.J.,” with the advice that “you’re only as guilty as you feel.”

“Martha Stewart’s Loving,” which “will soon have you candy-coating and monogramming your birth control pills” and making low-fat edible undergarments.

“Do What You Love, the Money Will Follow,” subtitled, “Pursuing a Career in Sperm Bank Donation.”

“Women Who Love to Mulch,” a feminist gardening guide.

After reading “Self-Helpless,” one fan burned all her bras, “then composted the ash and used it to fertilize my begonias.”

And, not to be overlooked, “Attention Deficit Disorder: Help Is.”