Twisted Twangs

Howdy, pardners. Wednesday is Academy of Country Music Awards night on TV. And we’re here to honor those thousands of ballads, anthems and ditties that have etched themselves into our national memory deeper than a hound dawg buries his bone.

From the true religious beauty of “The Old Rugged Cross” and “Amazing Grace” to the humor of “I’m My Own Grandpa” and “Sleeping Single in a Double Bed”--not to mention that great lovelorn classic, “‘I’ve Got Tears in My Ears From Lying on My Back in Bed While I Cry Over You”--we have all grown up “a little bit country” no matter where we live.

And we’ve all grown up a little bit cynical too, from a lifetime of country lyrics that peel away all pretense. As Kris Kristofferson once wrote:

Lay your head upon my pillow.

Hold your warm and tender body close to mine.

Hear the whisper of the raindrops blowing soft against the window,

And make believe you love me one more time.

In homage to the decades of tear-jerkin’, heart-tuggin’, cow-pokin’, brawlin’-and-boozin’, lovin’-and-lustin’ tunes that have brought us so much enjoyment for so long, we asked readers to invent some country titles of their own.

We got bushels-full of mail--titles for everything from classic he-done-me-wrong and please-don’t-go songs to gun-totin’ tales of revenge and loony-tune sagas of electronic love. We couldn’t print them all, but here are a few:

“I Hope You’re Living as High on the Hog as the Pig That You Turned Out to Be.” Mark L. Spiegel, Inglewood.

“Nothing Could Be Cuter Than My New iMac Computer, Which Is Why It Is the Apple of My Eye” and “I Met Her on the Internet at Lover’s Lane Dot Com.” Joyce Leddel, Los Angeles.

“You Stole My Wife, You Dirty Horse Thief.” Marvin Walowitz, Los Angeles.

“Your Love Is as False as My Lashes.” Charlene Ashborn, Walnut.

“I Woulda Loaned My Heart Out to You, Baby, but Your Interest Was Way Too Low,” “You Slept With That Dog in a Fleabag Hotel and That Really Ticks Me Off” and “I Keep Forgettin’ I Forgot About You.” Jim Moore, Orange.

“When You Leave Me, Walk Out Backwards, So’s I’ll Think You’re Comin’ Home.” James Broadhead, Santa Barbara.

“Your Face Hit My Heart Like the Skunk Hit My Dog the Night We Almost Never Met.” MiltBremer, Sherman Oaks.

“Yore Gentle Rain of Kisses Done Fertilized My Heart.” Dorothy Reinhart, Oxnard.

“It Hurts So Bad Since You’re Gone, It’s Almost Like You’re Here” and “I’ve Got a New Scope for My Rifle; I Won’t Miss You Any More.” Mel Bloch, Santa Monica.

“I Finally Got Proof of Your Cheatin’ Ways, Got the Test Results Back on Your DNA” and “I’ve Heard Urban Cowboy Lies Before, but That Was Mechanical Bull.” Susan and Kevin Connors, Long Beach.

“You Fill My Heart Like Syrup in the Holes of a Waffle.” Sue Carlton, Arcadia.

“You Are the Apple of His Eye, but You’re a Peelin’ for Me.” Nancy D. Crites, Ojai.

“There’s a Crashed and Burnt Harley on the Information Highway Tonight” and “I’m Little but I’ve Got Big Hair.” Elaine Hampton, Burbank.

“Don’t Ever Leave Me Unless I’m Not Here.” Hal Smith, Los Angeles.

“Don’t Think I Don’t Think About You Not Thinkin’ About Me” and “These Aren’t Hickeys on My Throat, I’m Just a Redneck.” Cecile E. Gilmer, Carlsbad.

“I’d Call You a Pig but That Ain’t Kosher” and “You Made Me Cry While I Was Tryin’ to Read the Funnies.” Kathleen Coffey Kobryner, El Cajon.

“You Is the Rusty Pickup in the Front Yard of My Heart.” Perry Allen, Carlsbad.

“I’m a Little Bit Country . . . You’re a Little Bit Urban Blight” and “If Garth Can Play for the Padres, Ain’t Nothin’ I Can’t Do.” April Dammann, Hollywood.

And from Carl Franklin of Lawndale, a song that he says “has haunted me since I first heard it” about 30 years ago:

“Billy Broke My Heart at Walgreen’s and I Cried All the Way to Sears.”