LAUGH LINES
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Zero Growth: “The Census Bureau predicts that by 2100, there will be twice the 275 million people who live in the U.S. today. But there will still only be 750 people at each L.A. Clippers game.” (Jerry Perisho)
Deep Freeze: “A terrible cold front has moved into New York--but enough about Hillary Clinton.” (Bill Maher)
His Final Answer: “President Clinton announced he will give away more money for schools, for police, for civil rights and gun control. His plan is simple: He’s going to give away $1 million a night until he’s as popular as Regis Philbin.” (Argus Hamilton)
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The Essential David Letterman
Top Headlines on a Slow News Day
10. “Comb Usage Up 1%”
9. “Pope Does Not Lead Cops on High-Speed Chase”
8. “Hitting Head With Hammer Hurts”
7. “Small Jump in Interest Rates Fails to Impress Preschoolers”
6. “Vast Majority of Senior Citizens Intimidated by Japanese Food”
5. “Uninterrupted Flow of Electric Power Pleases Appliance Users”
4. “Headline Writer to Wife: ‘Have You Seen My Car Keys?’ ”
3. “Psychic Predicts Kurt Russell to Star in Disappointing Movie”
1. “Man Buys Hat”
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Send us a line: Got a joke? Send it to Laugh Lines by fax, (213) 237-0732, or mail, Southern California Living, Los Angeles Times, Times Mirror Square, Los Angeles, CA 90053.
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