Revealed! The Secret Agenda of the Powerful Teachers Union

With the ringing of the last school bell, I’m homeward bound.

Lounging in the back of my Rolls as Jeeves idles the motor in that customary long line of limos chauffeuring my colleagues to their respective destinations, I sip my martini. Eager to see how my retirement fund is faring, I tune in CNBC for the latest market updates and then settle back for the scenic ride home to my Montecito estate.

Earlier, between classes, I had phoned our cook and told her to serve the beef Wellington a bit late this evening so that I can enjoy a quick swim in my indoor Olympic pool, as it has been a particularly warm afternoon in the classroom.

All in all, it has been just another day in the life of one who is fortunate enough to be a member of what pundits Mary Matalin and Bob Novak call the “powerful teachers union.”

Matalin and Novak, those champions of corporate America, have at long last revealed the true nature of our union and its diabolical use of campaign contributions. Finally, the crafty public relations schemes that organizations such as the American Federation of Teachers have perpetrated upon the citizenry stand exposed.

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Although officially teachers unions appear to fight for class-size reduction, textbook availability, curriculum standards, teacher training and competitive salaries and benefit packages to attract and retain competent teachers, what we’re really about is quite another story.

Here’s a brief outline of our real agenda--the secret objectives we discuss behind closed doors. To increase our market share so we can retire with multimillion-dollar bonuses, members of the powerful teachers union have vowed to:

* Promote the clear-cutting of old-growth forests to create reams of Stanford 9 testing materials.

* Promote student fashions manufactured by child laborers in sweatshops.

* Launch a People Care campaign, encouraging students to purchase gas-guzzling sport-utility vehicles.

* Seek tutors from the tobacco industry to head up our Joe Camel Back-to-Basics program.

* Lobby for the right to carry concealed weapons.

* Continue marketing violent and sexually explicit entertainment to children for our friends in Hollywood.

Well, now that I’ve enlightened you, I see that Jeeves has pulled up to the gate of my hillside abode overlooking the polo fields and the country club where my colleagues and I wine and dine those most malleable politicians. Why, this weekend, I’ll be taking a certain presidential candidate out for a spin on my yacht.

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And you thought we were just a bunch of underpaid, underappreciated missionary types. Matalin and Novak, their fingers ever on the public’s pulse, know better.