Shockey’s Offensive Skills Are Unmatched

New York Giant tight end Jeremy Shockey, whose offensive quotes in three magazines have caused an uproar in the Big Apple, issued an apology in a written statement released by the team last weekend.

In ESPN the Magazine, he said he would like to step on the face of Dallas owner Jerry Jones. In New York magazine, he was quoted as referring to Cowboy Coach Bill Parcells as a “homo.” And he vividly described his sexual fantasies in Maxim magazine.

“Several of my comments have been thoughtless, immature and made with a total disregard for those around me,” the written statement began.

Shockey later told reporters, “You’ll probably never hear me say an outrageous thing again.”

Don’t bet on it. He’s starting his second season and he’s already made a career’s worth of stupid remarks.

*

Trivia time: In the last seven NFL seasons, how many teams have won consecutive NFC West division titles?

*

Got new game: North Korean leader Kim Jong Il loves basketball and recently built a $57-million, 12,300-seat arena in Pyongyang, but if you were to watch a game there, you’d probably think the scoreboard was on the fritz.

In 1997, North Korea introduced its own scoring system.

Baskets made in the final two seconds are worth eight points, dunks are three points, shots made from beyond 21 feet are four points and so are three-pointers that don’t touch the rim. And a point is deducted for every missed free throw.

What would that do to Shaq’s stats?

*

Bed and shred: Pro snowboarder Marc Frank Montoya has opened a 50-room inn in South Lake Tahoe that caters to the action-sports enthusiast. Amenities include free energy drinks and Xbox video games, and all rooms are equipped with ski and snowboard racks and boot dryers.

*

Super patriot: Mike Ditka was in Las Vegas recently when he came across five American serviceman who had recently returned from Iraq.

According to the Las Vegas Sun, Ditka bought them dinner and then handed each a $1,000 chip to get started at the gaming tables.

He should have quit when he was ahead, but his generosity continued throughout the evening as he reportedly contributed about $60,000 to the keep-Nevadans-from-paying-state-taxes fund.

*

Nice pitch: Golfer Lisa Kiggens figured something was up. She was “a million over” par as she finished her second round in the Wendy’s Championship for Children but there were TV cameras following her.

Moments after sinking her final putt, she got the picture ... in 3-foot tall letters on the leaderboard at Tartan Fields Golf Club in Dublin, Ohio. It said, “Lisa, Will You Marry Me? Robb.”

Kiggens’ boyfriend and part-time caddie, Robb D’Amore, dropped to one knee and proposed.

And yes, she said yes.

*

Trivia answer: None.

*

And finally: George Foreman, when asked by the Washington Post why he had named all six of his sons George: “If I was going to be a successful boxer, I might suffer from memory loss.”

-- John Weyler