So much to fix at home -- such as a martini

Fortunately,

there are things that still amaze me. Jet travel. Solar eclipses. Scarlett Johansson’s lips. But most of all, I am amazed at how two people can have such different ideas on how to spend a summer weekend. For example:

My wife’s weekend to-do list

for me:

-- Wash the dog.

-- Water the garden.

-- Hose off the children.

-- Call my buddy Don to apologize for the crack I made about his hairline.

-- Return the rental margarita machine.

-- Clean the beer coolers.

-- Alphabetize the wine.

-- Vacuum the infield dirt from the back of the van.

-- Clean out the garage.

-- Re-stucco the north side of the house.

-- Check out the dog’s lip fungus.

-- Put away the soccer gear from last fall.

-- Snake out the bathroom sink.

-- Oil the door hinges.

-- Flip the mattress.

-- Get a key made.

-- Remove the Happy Meal toy from the DVD player.

-- Plant a tree.

-- Clean the gutters.

-- Marinate the salmon.

-- Wash the skylight.

-- Wash it again about 5 p.m., when the sun’s angle shows all the streaks.

-- Plaster the hole in the hallway wall.

-- Program the thermostat.

-- Prime the woodwork.

-- Polyurethane the patio table.

-- Wipe down the grill.

-- Refill the propane tank.

-- Return the Blockbuster DVD from 2003 that we found in the couch last week.

-- Fix the printer.

-- Start a compost pile.

-- Burnish the brass lamp.

-- Mow the lawn in diagonal-vertical patterns, like at Dodger Stadium.

-- Fix the headlight.

-- Trim my toenails.

-- Cultivate my personal relationships.

-- Own up to my shortcomings.

-- Re-roof the house.

My weekend to-do list:

-- Have a root beer float.

-- Read Rick Reilly.

-- Start a commune.

-- Buy a boat.

-- Have another root beer float.

-- Run with the dog.

-- Play catch with the boy.

-- Oil my baseball glove.

-- Shave my palms.

-- Practice my jump shot.

-- Finish half a crossword

puzzle.

-- Fall asleep.

-- Take the kids to the beach.

-- Bury them up to their skinny little necks.

-- Pretend to leave them there.

-- Smoke a good cigar.

-- Throw the Frisbee.

-- Putter around the garage and not really accomplish anything.

-- Watch a “Gunsmoke” rerun.

-- Do a sit-up.

-- Order pizza.

-- Make a prank phone call to my friend Don. “Don, this is your hairline calling.”

-- Write a fan letter.

-- Buy more soccer gear.

-- Take up an instrument.

-- Quit an instrument.

-- Practice sliding into home base.

-- Sit in the shade.

-- Teach the toddler how to spit.

-- Check the oil in the mower.

-- Catch a lizard.

-- Breed it with another lizard.

-- Start a lizard commune.

-- Price a car.

-- Shop for a squirt gun.

-- Refill the tiki torches.

-- Make a paper airplane.

-- Cheer for an underdog.

-- Eat a fish taco.

-- Mail a fish taco to my buddy Bruce.

-- Fall asleep again.

-- Take the kids for ice cream.

-- Go to the batting cage.

-- Loiter at the liquor store, spend too much.

-- Make a martini.

-- Write a sermon.

-- Read an old book.

-- Write a dirty letter.

-- Send it to my wife.

-- Deny involvement.

-- Turn myself in to police.

-- Beat the charge.

-- Swing for the fences.

-- Shoot for the moon.

-- Make the world a kinder, better place.

As you may have noticed, my to-do list is quite a bit longer than hers. Apparently, some people are just a little more motivated than others.

Chris Erskine can be reached at [email protected].