Don’t send holiday card to ex-boyfriend

Dear Amy: Almost a year ago, my boyfriend and I broke up. We adored each other, but we also had trust and boundary issues and a broken, unhappy relationship.

After the breakup, I kept contacting him. Eventually I stopped. In September I wrote him a letter explaining my feelings. I tried to use non-accusatory, constructive language.

His response was a text message telling me that my opinion means nothing, and to never contact him again.

The last time I contacted him was in a text telling him that he was an emotionally abusive partner.

It is the holiday season. I want to express my goodwill despite the pain we caused each other. The motive for sending a card is to extend an offering of peace. The motive for not sending one is to respect his request.

So many of our problems stemmed from a lack of respect for boundaries, and I do not want to perpetuate it. I appreciate any thoughts you have on the matter.

Thoughtful Ex

Dear Ex: If you send your ex a holiday card, you’ll spend the bulk of January waiting for a response and then mind-texting him when you don’t receive it.

Stop trying to revive -- and control -- a dialogue between the two of you.

The most graceful way to behave is to come to terms with your shortcomings (and his), forgive yourself for any behavior you regret (forgive him too) and then move on, vowing to be better and do better next time.

::

Dear Amy: I am a 21-year-old who works and goes to school full-time. My fiancé is 19 years old and also works. We’ve been together for four years and have a 6-month-old baby.

Last year we moved from my parents’ house to our own place. We’ve gotten ourselves into credit card debt.

I brought up the idea of moving back into my parents’ home so we can work on becoming debt-free again and focusing on my education.

My parents would not have a problem with this, but my fiancé has second thoughts because the house is very cluttered and disorganized.

Confused

Dear Confused: Getting out of debt should be your priority. You and your fiancé should move back to your parents’ home with a timeline for leaving. You should also receive debt counseling.

With the money you’re saving on rent, you might be able to afford getting some outside help to keep your folks’ place organized and clean.

Send questions to Amy Dickinson by e-mail to [email protected] or by mail to Ask Amy, Chicago Tribune, TT500, 435 N. Michigan Ave., Chicago, IL 60611.