Taking time to honor the imperfect mother

CHERRIL DOTY

M...is for the million things she gave me,

O...means only that she’s growing old,

T...is for the tears she shed to save me,...

-- Howard Johnson

Mother always said, “If you can’t say something nice, don’t say

anything at all.” But this good mother/perfection thing has got to

go! I cannot hold silence.

Blame it on the goddesses or Anna Jarvis or June Cleaver or Super

Mom. Mothers’ Day, as we celebrate it, seems to be about perfection.

As daughter, mother, and grandmother, I’d rather it was about the

right to be imperfect; the right to make and learn from mistakes; the

right to not know. Because that would be more real. That would be

more human. Perfect mothers must have perfect children and no one of

us is perfect. I would not want that burden to fall on my children.

Throughout history, May and motherhood have been celebrated

together. In mythology, the Roman goddess of spring was Maia. She was

linked with the growth and renewal of nature and her name spoke of a

mother, a nurse, and of universal increase. At this time of year when

nature renews itself, festivals were dedicated to the mother goddess

as the source of new life.

Our own version of this day of recognition for mothers actually

began simply enough in the early 20th century. One woman -- Anna

Jarvis -- felt that one day a year should be set aside to pay tribute

to mothers. Since everyone had a mother, and she had been deeply

devoted to her own, the assumption was that everyone would see this

as a good thing. And they did. She started a letter-writing campaign

that finally paid off when in 1914 President Woodrow Wilson

officially declared the second Sunday in May as national Mothers’

Day. Carnations became the official flower -- white for mothers who

had passed away and red ones for living mothers. The giving of

presents and sending of greeting cards soon followed.

Today’s commercialized and oh-so-perfect Mothers’ Day came next

and seems designed to celebrate the idealized goddess, the June

Cleaver of the 1960s, the Harriett of “Ozzie and Harriet.” This is

the mother Howard Johnson wrote about, with her “heart of purest

gold” and eyes “with love-light shining”; the one who “right she’ll

always be.” Heck with that! I want the right to be wrong sometimes,

to have ‘bad’ days, and to not always be compared to some glorified

ideal.

As that old ad stated, we’ve “come a long way, baby!” Have we come

far enough, though, to recognize mothers for the real, very human,

people they are? Many years ago, I read a woman poet who said that

her mother’s back was the bridge she walked upon. This recognition,

while honoring her mother, carried with it knowledge that many of the

gifts from our mothers come not in pretty packages, but in hard

lessons learned through trial and error. Sometimes bridges are

rickety and have slats missing. They still carry us across many a

chasm.

After childhood and adolescent years of pushing away from our

mothers, it may take years before we can see that bridge. Sometimes

having our own children deepens our understanding of motherhood and

what our own mothers might have experienced. And, often, we begin to

accept some of the negative qualities of our mothers in the same ways

that we might in a friendship.

My mother wasn’t perfect. Nor was hers before her. Nor was I. And

my daughter, Kendall, who will celebrate her first Mothers’ Day as a

mother this year, won’t be either. She may have the “love-light

shining” in her eyes for her sweet baby boy, but like all the rest of

us who have gone before her, she will make some mistakes. Should we

honor these “imperfect” mothers? Absolutely! Let’s recognize how

difficult it may be. Let’s see motherhood with all its flaws and

imperfections. Let’s do it every day that we can for as long as we

can. Let’s do it with candor and humor and love. Let’s acknowledge

our mothers for their quirks and their foibles and for being the

bridges we walk upon.

HAPPY MOTHERS’ DAY!

* CHERRIL DOTY is a creative life coach and artist in love with

exploring the joy -filled mysteries of life. You can reach her by

e-mail at [email protected] or by calling 949-251-3883.